I have to admit: I HATE this time of year. There are very few things I despise in this world and yet this is one thing that has yet to change for me.  Every year since I can remember I have always struggled emotionally during the end of spring and beginning of summer. Many times it has had something to do with a relationship. This year it is all to do with my failed relationships. As hard as I have tried to remove these past event from my mind I can’t displace them, even momentarily from my thoughts on any given day.  It gives me a headache just attempting to remove the tangle they have all clustered into.  This may or may not have something to do with how I have felt over the past 2 months. 

WARNING: If any of you place judgement without consulting oneself first should not read the content beyond this point.

   I have found myself fantasizing about women, occasionally three-somes, but mostly women.  Now I full heartedly admit: I generally find myself with males when it comes to relationships, love making and fantasies.  I also have been through a similar “phase” before, although it was very short lived and followed by a relationship that I totally screwed over (yes, with a male).  However, this has been the longest streak I have had in years.  I can only guess (educatedly of course) that it has directly impacted my brain and heart in such a way that there is a fear of dating another man again.  There have been far too many who have taken what they wanted and removed themselves from my life.  I long to share my life with someone but I never seem to take the bait or offer it. 

   It is in these moments that I find myself most open minded and aware of my surroundings.  I hope that somewhere soon I can find someone willing to accept me and share themselves and remain in the picture.  Only time will tell when my heartstrings have been cleansed of past events enough to have that someone notice the love I have to give.

Well, here I am…
I little dented here and there from the past few months of physical pain, psychological warfare, and spiritual detriments…
Did I think this would happen? Certainly not. I had everything going for me, it couldn’t have been an easier road to start with. I just didn’t handle the hurdles well enough.
Has it taken over me? No, and thank god it didn’t. I felt myself sinking into an ever deeper sespool of guilt, ignorance and stupidity.
Have I begun to make my way back? Yes. I realized I was working so much I didn’t give myself enough space to breath in something fresh. So I cut back on my hours of work enough that I have a good couple days to relax, enjoy life and rebuild my self-confidence and esteem that has suffered greatly.

My friends who read this, please do not worry. I realize the vague arrows I have painted may raise alarm. If I was in trouble you would know and by much more immediate connections. I simply wanted to share my experiences on a broad playing field.

I am doing better with the knowledge and plan I have placed for myself.

Honestly I can say I have never been so caught up in something I became the object of my worst imaginations. Now I know that there are those who are of sound mind when in heat, but goddamn I am NOT one of them.

This past week and a half I made the decision to start using some Gay/Bi dating apps thinking maybe I would find a few dates. Due to my recent surgery I cannot engage in activities of the animal kingdom. This had an overwhelming effect on me for some reason and held me captive until late last night/early this morning. Luckily I stopped myself before allowing anything to happen. I believe it has something to do with me having so much passion and love within me it began to turn to lust. Now don’t get me wrong, I occasionally enjoy a little fromp around the castle walls, but rarely if that. I also tend to want to most peculiar things…which I will not divulge due to the easy accessibility of this post. I am quite glad certain complications have been averted.

The days is near… I am 1 day and about 16 hours away from my surgical procedure.  As much as I have needed this to happen so I can go a full day without pain I can’t help but be nervous and scared to some degree.  My history with doctors has not been the most impressive.

2 and a half years ago I had just started another semester of school, and being the health nut I was back then I attempted to take on a weight training class. Now those who know me personally can tell you that I am by NO means a body builder.  I am quite lean and have been basically from approximately age 3. I took the class hoping to gain a better understanding of what exercises I could do to help build more muscle and not appear as a twig trying to grow.  The first couple weeks went great!! I was getting into the workouts and learning a lot about what my strengths and weaknesses were.  About week 3 however is when the demon inside attacked.

The pain was nothing short of demonically overwhelming.  I was harbored by something that took hold of my manhood and felt as if I was being kicked repeatedly for a good hour or more.  I literally could not stand, sit up or move for anything without the aid of medication, and even then the pain persisted as a dull roar in the pit of my stomach and scrotum.  It had been 2 days before I was able to get in to see my doctor.  Thankfully he was easily able to identify my condition and what could be done to relieve the pain I was experiencing. Due to financial standing at the time I decided to wait and it eventually went away…at least until a month ago. This time it has persisted to plague my life at school, work, home, and even whilst driving.  Now I just have to wait till Wednesday.  Thank god I will finally find relief from this unbearable pain.  

Now besides this surgical procedure I haven’t really had much else going on. The love that has been plaguing me has all but diminished due to my focus on getting myself better, though I’m sure once I have completed the process my mind will crawl its way back into that pool of uncertainty.  It has been nice to be free from that grasping organ of constant want and need, but I know myself and once I’m healed enough to be free of worry it will return to it’s prior position.  

I am going to take this moment to say thank you to my friends who have been there for me.  Whether it was for a hot minute or they have been there for years on end, I know I would not be the person I am without every single friend I have and have had.  So thank you, and thank you to those who read this blog.  I know my stuff can get a little short sighted and occasionally quite repetitive, but that is the beauty of the human mind: being caught up in specified ideas and events to help show the humanity within us all. Sometimes things are black and white with a little grey here and there, while other times we are welcomed by a rainbow of color to express every emotion as the roller coaster takes its course.  

I’m sure I will be writing quite a bit while I am home recovering this week.   

Well, here I am again. This past week has been a true challenge. Enduring nearly endless pain and difficulty sleeping has made me feel like a hermit with some slight retreats to work and one class.

A couple years ago I experienced a pain I had never wished nor expected to experience in my life. At the time I was taking a weight training class and thought it may have had something to do with too much exercise too quickly. I found out later that it was something mot so directly related. I was diagnosed with a varicocele. This is a type of “spider vein” which occurs in the scrotum due to weak vessel walls, resulting in pain or heaviness in the stomach and groin. At the time I was told I have what the medical world terms as a “bag of worms”. This is due to the fact that my varicocele is visible to the naked eye. I was also informed that surgery was most likely the best solution but not required unless the pain persisted. The first occurrence only lasted a couple weeks. This time however it has been fairly consistent for nearly a month now. Due to the pain level and consistency I have decided to have the surgery.

This surgery is not a major surgery, but it does entail a lengthy recovery (6 weeks). I do not want those of you reading to fear something worse than what it is. Basically the surgeon will be tying off the weakened vein so that it no longer produces the pain I have been experiencing. I wanted to share this so people knew that I wasn’t ignoring or blowing them off for the hell of it. In fact, I have been home so much I would go elsewhere if not for this incredibly annoying pain that likes to destroy any chance of true unbridled freedom.

As for my prior posts and how those things have progressed, not mug has happened. The guy I really like has yet to answer a simple text I sent a week ago (possibly due to working and school) and therefore leaving me in my little dark corner. No, I’m not mad at him. Confused? A little. The thing is we have both been so busy with our personal lives it’s been nigh impossible to get together to do anything. At the same time my confusion arises due to the fact that a simple text message is easy to answer in a few seconds. Yet I have yet to receive a response in a week now. It has given me time to really evaluate the situation between us.

We have known each other for nearly 6 months now and at first we actively sought out time to spend with each other. We asked about each others pasts and beliefs and all the things people ask about when dating and getting to know one another. It was until I started my new jobs in October that I noticed the distance between us. I figured due to my hectic schedule it was more about me not having time than him not having time. Once the acting job closed however I realized it may not have just been my busy schedule. Our last “date” in January was just like old times, though it seemed almost forced on his part. I wanted to spill my guts and tell him how I felt but he seemed distracted, almost disconnected to me. And now I too am beginning to feel that very same thing.

I don’t know where this will all lead, but I know at least one thing: if there is nothing between us from here on out I know I can recover quick as lightning and at least see a good friendship out of this if that is the result of everything.

I also wanted to take a moment to remember a very interesting individual who took their life Saturday evening. Bradford Garrison was a man I hardly knew and knew quite well all at once. We only spent one on one time together one time, but in an instant I knew he had something special about him. He had a way with bringing out the best in people and in his passion for theater as well. He also suffered greatly at the loss of his wife nearly 2 years ago. I hope he finds solace where his soul now strides. He will be missed by many, especially his two little ones.

Say La Vie

I could never have imagined that I woud be experiencing all of what i am experiencing all at one time.

Currently I am working 2 jobs( okay 3 technically but 2 are essentially the same thing and at the same establishment) and going to school part time.  That is enough for anyone to take on.  To add to my already busy life I reached a point where I have to have surgery performed in the next while.  It honestly could not come at a worse time. It has hit me harder and harder each day and for some dam reason I cannot seem to make it go away.  I have the hardest time focusing on the task at hand and have become more distant than I have since middle school. Due to my distance my patience has become more of a joke as I become irritated/upset more easily. It is almost like I am having a man period or something.  I dunno.  I really just need some solace, some true relaxation and peace. Away from all the things that I love and dislike all at once.  

I’ve hit a large pothole on my path of life and now would be an opportune time for a person or persons to help me take that step out. Or it could be time fo me to take the step on my own. I’m not sure which it will be but I need to figure it out soon I guess.

I lie in my sleeping quarters awaiting the Sandman to enter and sprinkle the dust of night’s sweet slumber upon me.  It’s torturous and cruel to me that it is past midnight and he has yet to visit me.